Kristen's
Schemes
(Fake Pregnancy,
Susan, the Secret Room and more)
VIVIAN: (to Kristen after exposing the Baby Pillow) Suppose you'd better sit down before you fall down! (1997)
VIVIAN (to Kristen after revealing her pillow): Well I have heard of bouncing baby boys and girls but what is this? (1997)
KRISTEN (to Vivian after she's busted): You're either drunk or insane. Or both.
KRISTEN: It's OK, John loves me and won't leave
me.
VIVIAN: That's because John is clueless (3/97)
(Vivian has just exposed Kristen)
VIVIAN: You see, you and I are alike.
KRISTEN: No, actually we are nothing alike.
VIVIAN: You and I would do just about anything to keep our men.
Including very bizarre and unorthodox behavior, which of course is
necessary when you are living in the shadow of your rival.
(2/97)
IVAN: Madam does not want to do anything that will drive her underground, out of town or into jail. (to Kristen's threats)
VIVIAN: I think the best thing you can do is
leave town!
KRISTEN: No! I'm not going anywhere!
VIVIAN: Oh, I see. So you prefer to stay here while Marlena tells
John everything. Well, fine, she's on her way over. Maybe you could
rent a video camera and you could capture his [John]
expression before he strangles you! (3/97)
KRISTEN: Where'd he go?
VIVIAN: This is no time to speculate. Accept your fate, finish
packing, get the hell out of Sale-
KRISTEN: Oh, wait a second! Wait! If John's not here, it means he
won't be here when Marlena arrives!
VIVIAN: Kristen, you are buying seconds, nothing more. Come with me
now before it gets worse!
KRISTEN: Worse? What could possibly be worse than this? What could
possibly happen? (3/97)
LAURA (after finding out Kristen was faking her pregnancy): Kristen was wearing some sort of contraption under her skirt...FOAM RUBBER, I suspect!!! (1997)
VIVIAN: Actually, your name is on the marriage
certificate, Susan was just a proxy
SUSAN: HEY!!! You watch what you call me!! (1997)
DR. WU: I Can't Believe You're Here. Why Are
The Gods Punishing Me Like This?
VIVIAN: Get a grip Dr. Wu, Just Give Me The disposable syringe and
the drug and I'll be out of Your life forever
DR. WU: I can only hope (1997)
(Vivian tries to prevent John from entering
Kristen's room)
VIVIAN: I haven't had a chance to tell you how special you are to
me.
JOHN: Come again?
SUSAN: John? Where's John? He won't keep my boy
from me! John? John!
KRISTEN: Oh my God. What next? (3/97)
VIVIAN: I knew something like this would
happen.
KRISTEN: You have no right to barge in here like this. I want you out
of here now!
SUSAN: No. Nope, nope, nope. (3/97)
VIVIAN: This is very serious.
KRISTEN: I think I know that!
VIVIAN: There is no way out. Susan's right. John's coming back,
Marlena will be here, and she'll tell him everything. And if that
doesn't keep him away from you, now we have a hysterical Susan.
Post-partum, hormones raging through her body, who's going to tell
Marlena things she doesn't even know!
KRISTEN: Oh God. Oh God.
VIVIAN: Like the fact that you weren't pregnant, and that you didn't
give birth to John's child . . . it's all falling away, Kristen! If
Marlena doesn't deal the lethal blow, Susan will. There's nothing you
can do to keep this from happening. (3/97)
VIVIAN: Kristen . . .
KRISTEN: Stop it! Look, it's because of you John is off wondering
whether or not Marlena still loves him. Marlena's due here any second
and if she gets here she is just going to blurt out everything she
knows. And if John gets here, this whole thing -
VIVIAN: I know all the gory details. (3/97)
(Kristen has called Stefano, only to reach one
of his many minions.)
MINION: I'm sorry, but Mr. DiMera can't be reached. He'll probably
call in a few weeks.
KRISTEN: Weeks? I don't have a few weeks. My whole life could be
destroyed in a few minutes.
MINION: You're a DiMera. You'll think of something.
VIVIAN: Faster, Ivan, we've got to warn Kristen
that Susan's Marlena's patient!
IVAN: What if Marlena has already put two and two together,
Madame?
VIVIAN: Then you and I would be better off in a car crash, because
John and Marlena are going to tear us apart with their bare hands!
(5/97)
(Marlena is confronting Kristen, Vivian, and
Ivan)
MARLENA: And then Susan felt the need for some therapy. Who wouldn't,
dealing with all of you all day long! (5/97)
(Vivian and Ivan try to escape)
KRISTEN: There go the rats deserting the ship, I see!
VIVIAN: Well, better a live rat than a dead one. (5/97)
KRISTEN:"Where the hell have you been?"
IVAN: "At the spa having a facial and a body wrap. You should try it.
It's done wonders for me, Kristen".
KRISTEN:"My life is just hanging in the balance-as well as your
lives-and you sit there and have beauty treatments?"(1997)
KRISTEN: But I don't have time to be bogged
down by guilt
VIVIAN: No, of course not, conscious would be an impediment
(1997)
(John complains to Vivian about the Elvis
costumes they are wearing for his wedding to Kristen/Susan)
VIVIAN: "Let's just call it a theme wedding".
JOHN: "Oh, really. What's the theme?"
VIVIAN :"Nightmare at Graceland". (1997)
(Kristen shares her plans to eliminate the
competition with the only person in Salem twisted enough to
appreciate them)
KRISTEN: When Stefano gets back in town, he's going to take Susan and
Marlena away, and they'll never be heard from again.
VIVIAN: How wonderfully evil!
KRISTEN: Well, I'm not doing anything. It's not me who's kidnapping
them. I'm just making it easier for Stefano.
VIVIAN: Quite a rationale! (1997)
KRISTEN: If you tell John or anybody else that
John Jr. is your son, I promise you, you will never see Dr. Evans
again and something worse could happen.
SUSAN:"What could be worse than that?"
KRISTEN:"Graceland will burn down".
SUSAN (distraught):"Oh, no. Not Graceland". (1997)
(Susan's antics drive Vivian and Kristen to
seek refuge in a bottle)
VIVIAN: Ivan, make me a vodka martini.
KRISTEN: Me, too. Make mine a double; it's been a hell of a day.
VIVIAN: I don't think John should catch you with alcohol on your
breath. You're supposed to be nursing.
KRISTEN: Well, if Susan would stop gallivanting around town
impersonating me, I wouldn't have to resort to alcohol to calm my
nerves, now would I? (1997)
(Vivian and Ivan are confused by the odd
behavior of bride-to-be "Kristen" on her wedding day)
VIVIAN: If I didn't know better, I would think Kristen is eating
those funny mushrooms. The way she's behaving is so bizarre.
IVAN: She's been behaving more like Susan.
VIVIAN: Well, she's not Susan. Remember, I pulled her hair. She's not
wearing a wig. Besides, if she was Susan, where's Kristen? Never
mind! I don't want to know. (1997)
(Kristen's devilish attempt to cast blame)
MARLENA: Susan. Tell the truth. Think about your precious Elvis.
KRISTEN: John, I hate to say it. Is it possible marlena's possessed
again? Oh my God!
Laura: Why don't you give it up, Kristen! (1997)
(Kristen arrives to the hospital, just after
Roman collapsed at Carrie's New Year's Eve party, and is confronted
by the Brady's.)
KIMBERLY: What are you doing here?
KRISTEN: I'm concerned about Roman.
KIMBERLY: Insane people can't feel concern. (1997)
(Kristen has John Jr. stashed in his old
nursery.)
JOHN: I could have sworn I heard the shrill sound of a baby
crying.
KRISTEN: It must've been a Kenny G song. (1997)
KRISTEN: Why don't you open up this present.
It's for you.
SUSAN: For me?
KRISTEN: (Thinking to herself) No, it's really for the maid, but what
the hell.
(After Roman collapses, John thinks that
Kristen might be responsible.)
KRISTEN (Annoyed): I'm not up to anything, John.
JOHN (sarcastically) That would be a first.
(Kristen and Vivian run into each other at the
spa)
VIVIAN: Kristen.
KRISTEN: Vivian.
VIVIAN: What a surprise! What sort of schemes are you up to these
days?
KRISTEN (snidely): That's funny. I was just going to ask you the same
thing. (1998)
CELESTE: I sense that something just isn't
right with you, Kristen.
KRISTEN : Of course you do. That's your job, Celeste - sensing things
about people. But you know what? This time, you're right. Something's
not right with me; my nails are a mess. I really need a manicure.
(1998)
(Kristen starts laughing hysterically to herself while Laura is in
the room)
LAURA: What are you laughing at?
KRISTEN: Don't worry about it. It's an inside joke. (1998)
EDMUND: I have a busy day planned for you
tomorrow. And there's no use asking for a hint because I'm going to
lock my lips and throw away the key.
KRISTEN (as Susan, to herself): Lovely image! (1998)
(Abe,
Roman, John, Edmund and "Susan" are discussing Laura's status as a
suspect in Kristen's murder)
EDMUND: (to Abe and Roman) Excuse me if I sound rather thick.
KRISTEN: (to herself) How else could you sound, you idiot?
(1998)
KRISTEN:
(to herself, while dressed as Susan) I look ridiculous. I look like
Susan. (1998)
(Laura
and Mike are talking about how she is a prime suspect in the
investigation of Kristen's death)
LAURA: It's not my fault the whole world is better of without
her.
MIKE: Mom, that kind of talk won't help your case. (1998)
Susan
(During Austin and Sami's doomed ceremony,
Susan reminds Maggie and Alice of Salem's terrible track record)
SUSAN: You know when you're coming into town and there's that sign
that says "Welcome to Salem?"
MAGGIE: Yea?
SUSAN: Well, it should say underneath it: the town that has an awful
lot of weddings but none of them ever really happen.
ALICE: Nonsense! We have a lot of beautiful marriages in Salem, and I
think you're going to see one today.
SUSAN: Well, I'm not going to hold my breath. (1997)
(Susan warns her sisterly sister that strange
things often happen in Salem)
SUSAN: "They can even bring back the dead here!
SISTER MARY MOIRA: "Why Susan Delilah Banks!"
SUSAN: "It's true! Ask Dr. Marlena Evans, herself. That Kristen
dragged her ex-husband into the church to stop her wedding to John.
Ya see, there's something about weddings in this town. Nothing ever,
ever, ever, ever, ever goes right!" (1997)
(Later, Susan finds out that her instincts were
right on the money)
SUSAN: I knew it, I knew it, I knew it. I'm just glad I kept my sales
receipt to the deep-fat fryer I bought them for their wedding
present. I just had a psychic feeling that I was going to have to
return that darn thing.
MAGGIE: You could be right.
SUSAN: I hate to say that I told you so, but weddings inthis town
just don't ever come off. I gotta go find Dr. Marlena Evans and tell
her that I feel her pain. (1997)
(Susan tries to prove Vivian is a vampire by
holding up a mirror)
SUSAN: Vampires! Stay away from me!
VIVIAN: I am not a vampire!
SUSAN: Oh, yes you are. Look, you have no reflection.
VIVIAN: Yes, I do have a reflection and I look like hell!
(1997)
(Susan calls Graceland)
SUSAN: Hello, Graceland? I'm the mother of Elvis's baby.
VOICE: Which mother?
SUSAN: (upset) The only mother! (1997)
(Susan reacts after overhearing Vivian's plans
to knock her out and drag her to the secret room)
SUSAN: They think they can just roll me up in a rug like some kind of
human enchilada! Well, we'll just see about that, Mr. and Mrs.
Vampire! (1997)
(Later, Susan describes Vivian and Ivan to
Elvis)
SUSAN: Oh, Elvis! That nasty Vivian girl wants to lock me up in a
dungeon. It's like one of those scary movies, and Vivian and her
husband, or her son, or whatever the heck he is, they're monsters!
(1997)
SUSAN (talking about Kristen): "Well she's about as interesting as a bag of 'patater' chips!!"
CELESTE: I believe all children are born
good
SUSAN: So whatever happened to Mr. Stefano DiMera?
(When Kristen tries to convince Susan to give
up baby Elvis, Susan puts the smooth talking DiMera in her
place.)
SUSAN: How can you protect him?
KRISTEN: Give him to me. Let me raise him.
SUSAN: Now don't that just burn the pie! Not only are you mean, mean,
mean, but you've just gone bonkers. I would never, ever, ever, ever
let my baby be raised by the daughter of the head
vampire!!
SUSAN (To Mary Moira): If I've said it once, I've said it a kajillion times. That Sami is just mean, mean, mean. (1997)
(Susan tells Kristen about how she baked
cookies with her mother at Christmas time when she was young.)
SUSAN: And then she'd sell them.
KRISTEN: Your mother would sell the cookies?
SUSAN: Well, how else could she afford to buy the things to make
them?
(Kristen
and Celeste are trying to find out who Little Elvis's father really
is, but Susan keeps insisting it's Elvis Presley)
CELESTE: Susan, darling, when you say "Elvis," surely you mean an
impersonator.
SUSAN (offended): Surely I do NOT mean an impersonator! The one and
only Elvis Presley is my baby's daddy.
KRISTEN (condescendingly): Susan, you can't expect us to believe that
Elvis Presley came to your house and made love to you.
SUSAN: Well, Kristen, how else do you think I got pregnant?
(muttering to herself as she walks off) That girl is just thick,
thick, thick!
SUSAN:
John, I was wondering something. I know that Dr. Marlena Evans almost
married Roman Brady. Does that mean you and her aren't going to get
together?
JOHN: Well, Susan, that's kind of a complicated situation, but, yeah,
we're going to be together.
SUSAN: I was wondering, 'cause if you couldn't be with Dr. Marlena
Evans, I was wondering, would you go back to Kristen?
JOHN: No, that will never happen, and you know better than anybody
that that Kristen is just mean, mean, mean. (1998)
MAGGIE:
Kristen was trying to take Susan's baby away.
VIVIAN: Not again.
KRISTEN: That baby belongs with me.
VIVIAN: Why would you want the baby of that moron Susan, who should
be wearing a gown and carrying a butterfly net? (1998)
Marlena and Kristen's Wonderful Relationship
KRISTEN (as she stomps on the frame with John and Marlena's picture): This is what's left of John and Marlena! This is what's left of John and Marlena! This is what's left of John and Marlena!
(after Marlena somehow stopped Kristen and John
from eloping on the plane)
MARLENA: "I'm not going to let you out of my sight."
KRISTEN: "Didn't you have a career at one time? What happened to
that? Or did you quit to devote yourself to torturing me?"
(1997)
(After Marlena proved one of Kristen's actions
wrong by saying it didn't happen in the hospital)
KRISTEN: Oh, and you just know everything that goes on in this
hospital, don't you? (1997)
KRISTEN: You are just such a bitch
MARLENA: I was thinking the same thing about you (1997)
KRISTEN (upon seeing Susan in bed with John):
she's (Susan) impersonating me!
MARLENA: you HIRED her to impersonate you.
KRISTEN: I didn't hire her to have sex with my husband!
(6/2/97)
(Kristen and Marlena are locked in the secret
room watching Susan parade around as Kristen)
Marlena: Once she exposes herself I will be free to love John and you
will be free to rot in Hell.
Kristen: No, it'll never happen. (1997)
KRISTEN: How can you not know John? How can you
not know that's not me? It's that crazy bucktoothed moron!
MARLENA: Obviously your lovemaking isn't as impressive
(6/2/97)
MARLENA (about John spending time with Susan,
who is impersonating Kristen):"Maybe he's so preoccupied by finding
me that maybe he won't even notice".
KRISTEN:"My God, what a colossal ego you have!" (1997)
KRISTEN (about Marlena): "Just look at her. Playing the perfect
mommy. Devious witch - she makes me sick."
VIVIAN: "I'm sure she feels the same way about you."
(1997)
Kristen and Marlena are trapped in the secret
room and they are watching Susan and John eat a romantic dinner.
Kristen is fuming at Susan for pigging out.
KRISTEN:(chowing down on a chicken leg) You idiot!I never eat fatty
foods!
(Marlena looks at Kristen in surprise)
Kristen opens a bag of potato chips and eats a handful
KRISTEN: (Spitting out the food) UUH! Pork rinds! What part of the
pig is this? (1997)
(Marlena and Kristen watch the wedding on a
monitor in the secret room)
MARLENA (laughing hysterically): "This is priceless".
KRISTEN (about Susan) :"She turned my wedding into a freak show".
MARLENA :"Just think, by tommorrow you'll be on the cover of every
society page in the country. This will be great for your reputation".
(1997)
(A phone call from John turns Roman's death
into an inconvenience for Kristen)
JOHN: Marlena's not doing so good, sweetheart. I'm going to stay with
her awhile.
KRISTEN: Of course. I love you.
JOHN: Same here (hangs up).
KRISTEN: Same here? He can't even tell me he loves me in front of his
precious, fragile, weak Doc. Thanks a lot, Roman. You picked a hell
of a time to die! (April 1997)
MARLENA (to KRISTEN who's trying to explain
herself after they were released from the secret room): OK, go ahead,
start talking; you'll hang yourself.
In the same scene:
KRISTEN: John, she's feeling the effects of the cellar.
MARLENA: I'm feeling the effects of the treachery. (1997)
(Kristen passes food to Marlena in the secret room)
KRISTEN: "Feeding time. Time to feed the animals."
MARLENA: "Is it poisoned?"
KRISTEN: "That's clever. That's very funny. But, no. I've got to keep
you fat and sassy. Stefano's got lots of big plans for you."
(1997)
(Kristen turns Eric 's dig into a compliment as
only she can)
KRISTEN: It looks like your mom is falling in love with your dad
again. Isn't that great?
ERIC: No, that's what you want to happen.
KRISTEN: Oh, come on. Isn't that what you want? Tell the truth. Every
kid wants their parents to be together.
ERIC: You know, I can see how you snowed John. You're as good as
Stefano.
KRISTEN: Well, thanks! (1997)
MARLENA (to Roman, John and "Susan" about
Kristen's suicide): It was one final act of revenge. I wouldn't put
it past her.
KRISTEN (to herself): And while you're at it, maybe you shouldn't put
it past Kristen to punch you out right here and shut you up for
good.
KRISTEN (to herself about Marlena): Give me a break. You're having the time of your life, Doc. Stringing Roman and John along. Both of them madly in love with you, fighting over you. You're just in hussy heaven. (1998)
EDMUND (admiringly): Marlena's remarkable,
isn;t she? Prominent psychiatrist, terrific mum, loyal
friend.....
KRISTEN (spitefully, to herself): ......Major phony. But who'd expect
an idiot like Edmund to see through act? Nobody else does.
(1998)
Classic Vivian and Ivan
VIVIAN: Ivan, I value you--as a friend and as a servant. (1996)
IVAN: And I was honored to be the best man at
your wedding.
JOHN: It changed my life. (1997)
(A broke Vivian and Ivan sit in their dumpy
apartment)
VIVIAN: "What will become of us?"
IVAN: "Madame, we'll get a job. We'll work our way back up. (Skims
the want ads.) Janitor. We have a dog walker. We have a gravedigger.
Gravedigger - we have a lot of experience with that."
(1997)
(Victor's date returns from the restroom)
VIVIAN: That was fast.
ALANA: Well, when you're my age you don't need that much upkeep.
VIVIAN: Yes, plastic always wears well.
IVAN: Madame I have been taking tranquilizers ever since I began working for you. (1997)
(Sami wants Vivian and Ivan to climb into the
chimney at the Kiriakis mansion.)
VIVIAN: If there's risk involved, why don't you stick your own neck
out?
SAMI: Because I have my son to think about. You and Ivan don't have
that worry.
IVAN: Who, me?
VIVIAN (glancing his way): Yes, you, Braveheart.
IVAN: I will never stop longing for you
VIVIAN: If you must, you must. (1996)
VIVIAN: Do You Hear That Woman (Kate)? She
Absolutely Refuses To Acknowledge That I Am Legally Married To
Victor
IVAN: I Wonder Why
VIVIAN: I can't believe that after all this
time, I would be intimate with you.
IVAN: A number of women would kill for that opportunity, Madame
VIVIAN: Name one.
(Ivan is silent)
VIVIAN: Oh, I'm sorry!
(Vivian and Ivan have just walked in on
Stefano's attempt to kill John)
VIVIAN: John? What are you doing with your head in that guillotine?
It must be very uncomfortable. (8/96)
(Vivian and Ivan are at University Hospital.
Earlier, Vivian mistakenly injected Ivan with a shot intended for
Susan, to stop her from lactating. Ivan is in a closet, drinking
milk.)
VIVIAN: Ivan, what are you doing in here? Why are you drinking all
this milk? You hate milk.
IVAN: I know, Madame. My body's suddenly craving it. I think it's the
--yeah-- I think it's the shot you gave me, Madame. My voice is
changing, too. What happened?
VIVIAN: You are hysterical. That shot can't affect you.
IVAN: Madame, I am starting to sound like a woman. I am turning into
a woman. Dr. Wu has ruined my life.
VIVIAN: Ivan, that shot only stops lactation. It can't affect your
voice. The only thing it could possibly affect would be your
breasts.
IVAN: I don't have any breasts, do I? (Ivan begins a nightmare here.
He has incredibly large and fake breasts and is standing in front of
a mirror.) Oh! Oh!
VIVIAN: Well, think of all the money that women spend on breast
implants, Ivan. If Dr. Wu could market that drug, he could make a
fortune.
IVAN: Madame, I like them on you, but I don't want breasts. Do
something!
VIVIAN: Well, I'd lend you a brassiere, but you're a little out of my
league! (Vivian runs off.)
IVAN: Oh,... oh, no. (the nightmare ends here) Madame... my chest is
growing. My masculinity right now is being sucked out of me by this
hormonal vacuum.
VIVIAN: What's happening?
IVAN: I have this sudden urge to shave my legs.
VIVIAN: Well, you know, you were rather attractive when you pretended
to be Sami's mother. And then of course, you were turning heads at
the costume ball when you played Josephine in Paris.
IVAN: Madame.
VIVIAN: We could be sisters.
IVAN: Yeah?
VIVIAN: Yes... Ivana. I could help you with your makeup.
IVAN: I like Earth tones.
(Ivan wants to sleep with Vivian to balance the
effect of the anti-lactation drug)
VIVIAN: Ivan's been there for me all these years. Can I really deny
him this one small request. Oh hell, I can manage one unselfish act.
(2/97)
(Vivian is talking to Ivan at a bar.)
VIVIAN: Susan. Can you imagine? That woman wanted to name that
helpless little baby Elvis.
IVAN: Well, he is "the King," after all.
VIVIAN: Sometimes you scare me, Ivan. I just hope we've seen the last
of that fruitcake.
VIVIAN (after Ivan faints upon hearing that
Kristen wants them to dig up Peter's body themselves): Not again
(Vivian bends over him)
KRISTEN (looking on): Would you smack him for me? (May
1997)
(Ivan and Vivian are spying on Susan who is at
an exclusive spa. Ivan is posing as a woman, "Ivana", so that they
will let him in. In this scene, he has a facial mask on and is
speaking to the receptionist.)
RECEPTIONIST: You will be gorgeous when we get through with you
Ivana. You will turn many heads.
IVAN(A): The only head I want to turn is that of my madam.
RECEPTIONIST: Your madam?
IVAN(A): uh huh
RECEPTIONIST: They'll let anybody in here these days. (May 28,
1997)
(In need of a prescription, Vivian and Ivan
make the mistake of turning to Marlena for help)
MARLENA: You've had an acute anxiety attack?
IVAN: Yes, and I really, really need my tranquilizers.
MARLENA: Well, maybe you wouldn't have so much anxiety if you would
stop scheming with Vivian and Kristen.
VIVIAN: Could you just please write the prescription and we'll be on
our way.
MARLENA: Sure. I'll be glad to drop it off at the pharmacy after I'm
done with my patient, if you don't mind!
VIVIAN: That woman, Marlena, is so self-righteous. I can't wait for
Stefano to kidnap her again! (1997)
(Vivian and Ivan have just figured out that
Susan's sister isn't Susan)
IVAN: (hyperventilating) Madame, we kidnapped a nun! This is great.
We're not just going to jail, we're going to Hell right after!!
(6/97)
MARY MOIRA BANKS: In fact, sometime thereafter
she did have Mr. Elvis Presley's name tattooed on her ankle.
IVAN: Ankle? Well, that's a great idea! maybe I should get one!!
(Vivian hits him) (6/97)
VIVIAN (as she climbs up to the chimney of the
Kiriakis mansion): "I feel like a bloomin' Mary Poppins!"
IVAN: "You be careful, Mary."
VIVIAN (looking in the Pine Haven computers): It looks like there's a patient here from Salem by the name of Laura Horton. Horton! Don't tell me a Partridge Family clone is in a mental institution. (1993)
(Ivan is drunk after Vivian and Laura die at
Pine Haven)
IVAN: Why did you have to go Madame?
(Vivian and Laura enter the house through the back; Ivan doesn't see
them)
VIVIAN: Aagh! it's hot down here! Turn the air down!
IVAN: Oh Madame! After the hell you went through up here, why did
they send you down there! (He begins weeping.) (2/94)
When the Salem crew was in Paris, Stefano kidnapped Vivian and Ivan
and they were pleading about how blessed they'd feel if he'd let them
go.
STEFANO: "I would feel myself blessed if you would both SHUT
UP!".
(He tells them he would let them live)
VIVIAN: I'm speechless!
STEFANO: First time for everything!
IVAN: I am incredibly greatful, Mr.DiMera
Stefano: For Vivian's silence? Me too (1996)
IVAN: "Last time you had three martinis, you
came up with the idea to bury Carly Manning alive."
VIVIAN: "Wasn't that just brilliant? I get goosebumps when I think
about it." (1997)
VIVIAN: Oh, nothing will go wrong.
IVAN: I hate it when you say that. It's even worse than "I've got a
plan". (1997)
VIVIAN (to Ivan, after a confrontation with Marlena): "That was outrageous. I can't wait for Stefano to kidnap her again." (1997)
(Ivan comforts Vivian when she is insulted by a
common police officer)
OFFICER: Put your wallet and jewelry in the envelope, please.
VIVIAN: I want my attorney. I get a phone call!
OFFICER: Listen, cowgirl. You'll get your phone call.
VIVIAN: Cowgirl! How dare you!
IVAN: Madame, you look beautiful. Don't worry about him.
(1997)
(At Marlena and John's engagement party,
Stefano sees an opportunity to attempt to kidnap Marlena while Vivian
sees stripes in her future.)
STEFANO: "Now is my chance to take Marlena."
VIVIAN: "Ivan, something tells me we're going to end up in jail
again. Before that happens, I'd like a drink, or maybe 10."
(7/97)
(Ivan doesn't share Vivian's love of
Jonesy)
VIVIAN: Ivan! I don't understand why you think this man is such a
threat. He's a kind, gentle person.
IVAN: That's what the neighbors always say after the police carry the
corpses out. (1997)
(Later, as Ivan and Vivian continue to debate
Jonesy's character, it becomes clear why Vivian finds him
"worthy")
IVAN: I wish you would reconsider this. You know nothing about
Jonesy! He could be a serial killer!
VIVIAN: Oh, don't be ridiculous, Ivan. He's a perfectly harmless old
man, and besides that, he's rich. Rich and elderly. It's a perfect
combination! (1997)
IVAN (regarding Jonesy and Vivian's "marriage"): It was a fake marriage. I should know - I was the priest. (1998)
VIVIAN: (high under Stefano's control) Come on,
dance with me.
IVAN: This place doesn't have a cabaret license. (June
1998)
(The day after the dinner party, Vivian brags
to Ivan that she soon will have Stefano eating out of the palm of her
hand)
IVAN: "What if Kate decides to seduce him before you do?"
VIVIAN: "Don't be ridiculous! Why would Stefano take cat food when he
can have caviar?"
VIVIAN (to Ivan who states some concern about the embryo scheme): "Quiet, Ivan, you'll wake the embryo!" (1994)
VIVIAN
(to Billie, who is wearing a micro-minidress): "Nice dress....why
don't you wear the rest of it?"
IVAN:
You know what they say, things are always darkest before the
dawn.
VIVIAN: Dawn? Isn't that when they shoot people?
IVAN:
(to Vivian) Even dead Kristen is capable of getting us into all kinds
of trouble. (1998)
Kate and Vivian: another beautiful friendship
KATE (to Vivian, regarding her position as a Titan board member): You have no vote, you have no power. You lose, I win. Write if you get work.
(Vivian is saying goodbye to Victor)
VIVIAN: (to Victor) You will be a part of me forever. (she kisses him
as Kate walks in)
KATE: Vivian! What the Hell do you think you're doing?!
VIVIAN: I am saying goodbye to Victor.
KATE: You're leaving?!
VIVIAN: Yes I am.
KATE: Ah! What do we owe this good fortune to?
VIVIAN: (furious) You'll find out soon enough.
KATE: (so happy she's almost hysterical) Oh, I bet this has something
to do with Kristen, haha! Oh, but that doesn't matter. The important
thing is, you're leaving!! Oh, Henderson, come here quickly, I have
fabulous news!!!
VIVIAN: (glaring at Kate in the "if looks could kill" category) You
miserable harpy. Delighting in someone else's calamity.
HENDERSON: (walking in) Yes?
KATE: Oh, Henderson, we have to plan a celebration. A party! Vivian
is leaving town!!
HENDERSON: How marvelous!!
KATE: (laughing) Oh, I am just so excited. I can't think of anything
better! I'm just feeling tingly all over. Come, come, let's call the
caterer. (5/97)
(John and Marlena's engagement party--Kate's
going to get Vivian by revealing her hidden assets to the Salem
PD)
IVAN: Madame, do you have any idea why Kate is smiling at us?
VIVIAN: Who knows, it's probably gas. (7/14/97)
(Vivian tries to set Jonsey straight when he
mistakes her for his former lover)
JONESY: It's you. It's really you!
IVAN: I thought you said you didn;'t know this person.
VIVIAN: How could I know this person? He's a bum!
JONESY: Flora, you don't remember me after all we've shared?
VIVIAN: We haven't shared anything except a couple of fleas when you
fell on me! (1997)
(Kate ponders how Vivian's late husband met his
maker)
KATE: "Tell me, how did you kill the poor man? Annoy him to death? Or
did he get a good look at you in the morning and decide to kill
himself?"
(During her dinner party, Vivian's attempt to
embarrass Kate serves only to bring her own employment record to
light)
VIVIAN: "Oh, Kate, if you need any ketchup, just let me know."
KATE: "Ah, Vivian, when did you learn to appreciate ketchup? Working
at the Burger Barn?"
VIVIAN: I hate her [Kate] even more
than I hate Carly
IVAN: But, madame, you buried her alive. (1994)
(Vivian and Ivan are in jail following the
"Queen of the Night" ordeal)
VIVIAN: I save John's life and this is the thanks I get! Ivan, next
time I try to do a good deed, stop me!
(Under the influence of Stefano's emotion
control, Vivian is chatting up two European aristocrats on the
Empress Express)
VIVIAN: I simply adore Bentleys! I think I'll buy one. No, I'll buy
two, in case the first one runs out of petrol.
(Still under Stefano's control, a bored Vivian
attempts to liven up the other passengers on the train)
VIVIAN: What's wrong with everyone? This is the parlor car, not the
funeral parlor car!
VIVIAN: I feel so alone without my beloved
Jonesy!
STEFANO (rolling his eyes): Yes, I'm sure he was a rock to you.
VIVIAN (studying the menu at the Penthouse Grill): I can't decide whether to have the chateaubriand or Kate's head on a platter.
VIVIAN (flaunting her engagement ring in Kate's face): I'm going to marry Stefano and become Mrs. 49% of Titan! Isn't it delicious?
(At Greenhaven, Vivian is supposed to take off
all her jewelry for the MRI, but she's afraid Ivan and Celeste will
steal her engagement ring)
VIVIAN (to the doctor): You'll have to watch that Ivan like a hawk!
He's a klepto. I don't want him to steal the engagement ring Stefano
gave me.
CELESTE: Vivian, darling, Ivan is not going to steal anything of
yours.
VIVIAN: Oh, right! Bonnie vouching for Clyde!
(Vivian mistakenly believes that she is dying and hopes she can buy some
redemption)
VIVIAN:
"Thank goodness I'm not dead yet. That will give me time to repent.
Of course, with all the evil I did to Kate, that could take an
hour."
Only Stefano
CELESTE (to Stefano): You were struck by
lightning!
MIKE: That's why you have that burn on your hand. That will heal.
Otherwise, how do you feel?
STEFANO: I have a headache (1996)
MARLENA (to Stefano after being struck by
lightning): You could have died!
STEFANO: I do not die so easily.
MARLENA: I know
CELESTE: You're in love with Marlena and you
want her for yourself!
STEFANO: You know, Celeste, you pull these crazy ideas out of these
crazy hats you wear. (1996)
STEFANO (to Laura): For you, devious. For me, merely practice (12/96)
STEFANO: You Are Starting To Strain My Patience
Laura...
LAURA: Well You Are Certainly Straining On My Patience...
STEFANO: SHUT-UP!
STEFANO: A True DiMera NEVER Says Never
STEFANO: You must Do Whatever Is Necessary
KRISTEN: Yeah? well Peter did "whatever was necessary" and he's
Dead
STEFANO: Kristen, You Will Be A Laughing Stock,
You Will Drag The Family Name Through Mud
LAURA: Where Do You Think It Is Now?
LAURA (to Stefano): I Mean, If He Begins
Hemoriging It Will Be All Over Before You Even Know It, IDIOT!
STEFANO: Are You Comfortable? Are You Finished? The Nurse Is
Monitoring Peter Very Closely, IDIOT! (1996)
LAURA: You will kill me if you attempt to
perform this procedure!
STEFANO: No, see, Dr. Kay has preformed this procedure many times in
the labratory, with remarkable results.
LAURA: Oh, that's comforting. THERE IS A DIFFERENCE!!
(1996)
KRISTEN (About Eric): Boy, you'd think he'd at
least be pleased that I haven't given up on John.
STEFANO: He's a Brady. That whole clan likes to wallow in their own
misery.
CELESTE: I am getting these vibrations...
STEFANO: Oh, you and your stupid vibrations... (Summer
1998)
STEFANO: Vivian does not need an MRI!
MIKE: Oh, I didn't realize you were an MD, Stefano.
(Stefano
and Rolf are watching Vivian on the TV)
STEFANO: (referring to the chip) So, Vivian is in her normal
state?
ROLF: Yeah, whatever normal means with that woman. (1998)
(Vivian
is ecstatic to be back home after skydiving and enduring a trip to
the hospital.)
VIVIAN: More than any place I've ever lived, I consider this
townhouse my home.
STEFANO: After the experience you had in the hospital, even a chicken
coop would feel like home. (1998)
Sami's Schemes and more
CAROLINE: I got this book for you at church. It
teaches right from wrong.
SAMI: Looks like a real page turner.
(Sami's dependence on Austin works the nerves
of the one person in town who has stood by her from the
beginning)
LUCAS: Come on Sami. We agreed that Austin needs to see more of Mike
and Carrie together.
SAMI: I know. I just feel so lonely when he's not around.
LUCAS: Well, thank you. That does wonders for my ego.
(1997)
KATE (arguing with Sami over Will's welfare):
Sami, you are no victim. Any problems you have are caused by your own
selfishness. I will not let you raise my grandchild. I'm going to
contact my lawyer--we're starting a custody suit.
SAMI: The judge gave me custody of my son
KATE: Well, when he finds out that you let your child be taken away
by some oddball, he's going to take custody away from you.
SAMI: Mary is a very good person
KATE: You're no judge of character!
SAMI: And you are? You married a drug addict who abused you, and then
kicked you out and stole your kids! (1996)
(Kristen and Stefano have just been watching
all of Sami's antics on the monitor.)
KRISTEN (ranting): "There is no way that Marlena is going to let a
dying man keep her from jumping in the sack with John!"
STEFANO: "Would you be quiet?"
KRISTEN: "I haven't seen Sami lately. I wonder what the little tramp
is up to."
STEFANO: "You could learn something from that little tramp. At least
she knows how to hold on to her man." (1997)
(Stefano reminds his daughter Kristen that
people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones)
STEFANO: That Sami! Now she and Austin can live happily ever
after.
KRISTEN: How can you say that they'll be happy? How can a marriage
work if it's based on lies?
STEFANO: You are hardly one to pose a question like that!
(1997)
(Kate shows Sami that she's no amateur when it
comes to threats)
KATE: You are absolutely despicable, and someone should tell Austin
and Carrie exactly what you're up to!
SAMI: Who, Kate? You? I don't think so. I have too much information
about you.
KATE: Oh, really? You think you have the upper hand now, Sami, but
someday I'm going to find something on you and then I'm going to put
the screws to you so tight that your beady little eyes will pop out.
(1997)
(Lucas tries to convince Kate to make nice with
Sami)
LUCAS: Mom, I know you and Sami are the greatest pals, but you should
make an effort tot be civil for Will's sake.
KATE: That witch is my worst enemy; even more than Vivian....and
that's saying a lot! (1997)
ERIC: I wish that we had the old sweet Sami again. (7/97)
SAMI: Shawn D, I Wish You'd Been The Best Man
At My Wedding
SHAWN D: You Had A Wedding? When?
SAMI: When We Were In France, Didn't You Know?
SHAWN D: OH, The Fake Wedding
(In Italy, Sami's choice of clothing limits her
selection of beverages)
FRANCO: Sami, you're making me nervous, I mean, with your pacing. Why
don't you sit down and have a drink?
SAMI: Have a drink? Are you crazy? I can't have a drink while I'm in
a nun's habit. Maybe I'll have a double espresso or something.
FRANCO: Great, that should calm you down. (1997)
LUCAS: You're bright. You're resourceful. Did you ever consider that
you could accomplish a lot without blackmail?
SAMI: Could I really accomplish all that without blackmail? Probably.
But this is a whole lot easier.
SAMI (to Sr. Mary Moira): "The more time I spend in this habit, the more I want to become a nun." (1997)
(Sami is annoyed with the way Nicole is posing
for her New Faces pictures)
SAMI (to Nicole): I'm thinking about changing the name of this place
from 'Titan' to 'Titanic' because we're sinking - fast.
(1998)
SAMI (later, to Nicole): I've seen friendlier faces on a laxative ad. (1998)
(Eric, Nicole, Austin and Carrie are having
dinner together. Their dinner discussion turns to Sami and
Franco)
CARRIE: "Franco could have any woman he wants. What I don't get is
why he wants Sami."
(Austin confronts Lucas about his alleged
drinking problem)
LUCAS: "I don't have a drinking problem....I have a Sami
problem."
LUCAS: Slut!!
SAMI: Drunk!!!
LUCAS: Tomorrow, I'll be sober and you'll still be a...(Sami slaps
Lucas) (1998)
Franci and Sami are dancing to celebrate his
birthday...
SAMI: ..and soon we we're going to be together forever.
FRANCO: (thinking to himself) and being married to you is going to be
a living hell. The nuns at the orphanage warned me if I was bad I
would wind up in eternal torment. I shoud have listened. I was very
back to betray the Moronea family back in Italy.
LUCAS: "We can't let Sami die for a crime she
didn't commit"
KATE: "Lucas, how many times has Sami gotten away with crimes she did
commit? It's about time she got what's coming to her!"
(Lucas watches as Sami, dressed as Marilyn
Monroe, prepares to sing "Happy Birthday" to Franco.)
LUCAS: (to Kate, about Sami) That's her, all right. Star of "How To
Blackmail A Millionaire" and "The Seven Year Bitch!"
(1998)
KATE: Oh my God. What happened to Sami?
LUCAS: (disbelieving) I don't know. She looks good. (1998)
(Sami and Vivian pressure Kate to approve
Sami's New Faces campaign. Kate finally allows her to start the
project under Sami's terms. One of which is that Kate will hire
Sami's brother, Eric, as the photographer)
KATE: (to Sami) Maybe being around his evil twin will make him
realize what you're capable of. (1998)
ROMAN: Your whole relationship with Austin is
based on a lie.
SAMI: So what? (1997)
(Sami runs into Mike on her way to his
office.)
MIKE: You're fired.
SAMI: What did I do?
MIKE: Lately? (1997)
Eugenia to Sami: "Sami, don't you think Abe and Lexie will be a little confused when they see that their baby is half spanish???" (2003)
JOHN (as he shows Stefano a chart): "I want you
to mark on this chart for the pilot the location of where we are
going."
Stefano quickly pinpoints the location on the chart.
JOHN, looking at the place Stefano has marked: "My God, that's an
uncharted jungle!" (1997)
JOHN: "Why did you lock us in that room, to
kill us?"
STEFANO: "I did it for your protection. Despite the fact the we are
inside a fortress with very high walls, outside the natives are
growing restless." (1997)
(After John, Kristen, Hope and Stefano have
headed for the jungle)
ABE: "Why do you think Kristen is missing?"
ROMAN: "Because I live with her and I haven't seen her in a while"
(1997)
(Stefano sends Hope and Kristen to separate
rooms to keep them from fighting about why John 'died', then he talks
to his assistant.)
ASSISTANT: Stefano, how will we make get the cure without the vital
ingredient?
STEFANO: SHUT UP! You are as bad as the women! Let me think!
(1997)
(When John's foot gets caught between a rock
and a hard place, Hope uses cold cream to redefine beauty "aid")
JOHN: You know, you amaze me. I didn't think that would work.
HOPE: Credit vanity.(1997)
STEFANO (to Kristen, who wants to follow John into the jungle): ""It will take more than a compass, sweetheart, to bring you and John back together!" (1997)
(Hope brings John's compass to him so he won't
get hopelessly lost trying to find Roman's cure)
JOHN: You bring new meaning to the phrase "Hope has arrived!"
JACK: If I only had that damn climbing gear!! (When he was trying to climb up the mountain to get to the cabin where Travis was holding Jenn.)
(Lucille leaves Billie alone at Ms.
Faversham's, giving her a chance to plant a listening device)
LUCILLE: I won't be long. There is something very important I must
take care of.
BILLIE: Well, you picked a fine time to leave me,
Lucille.....
(Billie realizes that she could use Lucile, Ms.
Faversham's servant, against Hope)
BILLIE: "That maid and I have one powerful thing in common. We both
hate little Miss Hope-less."
(Celeste
is consulting her crystals for clues to the serial killer's next
victim, and blood-red letters start to spell out "Horton" on one
crystal...the spelling gets to the first two letters, "ho")
CELESTE: "Ho? Well, we know the killer is a woman, and not a very
nice one!"
PETER
(to Jenn): Who are you going to believe-your husband or a psycho
wearing a tablecloth on her head? (1996)
SUSAN: John, I was wondering something. I know that Dr. Marlena Evans
almost married Roman Brady. Does that mean tyou and her aren't going
to get together?
JOHN: Well, Susan. That's kind of a complicated situation, but yeah,
we're going to be together.
SUSAN: I was just wondering. 'cause if you couldn't be with Dr.
Marlena Evans, I was wondering, were you going back with Kristen.
JOHN: No, that will never happen, and you know better than anyone
that that Kristen is mean, mean, mean.
MARCUS (to Carly, referring to Bo, just after he cut his hair): So where's the guy with the ever-changing haircut anyway? (1991)
VICTOR (on the phone): I want you to dig up everything you can on Vivian Alamain...Of course, there's stuff. She buried someone alive once! (1996)
JOHN: Marlena's love for me exposed her to the devil himself
JOHN: She still loves me? Am I that blind? (3/97)
JOHN: Stefano kidnapped Marlena
VIVIAN: Not again! (1996)
AUSTIN: ...And we'll live happily ever
after.
CARRIE: So happily, that even Sami won't be able to ruin it.
(1996)
HOPE (to Bo): First Victor, then Marlena. Now Sami is acting like a little Vivian. (1996)
(Carly has just been buried. Everyone is
gathered at the Alamain mansion in her memory. Vivian takes out her
walkie-talkie with which she speaks to Carly.)
VIVIAN: Paradise to Hell, come in please. (1993)
JOHN: Exactly what is your relationship with my
aunt?
IVAN: Uh, um, it's really complex. Uh, it's uh . . .
JOHN: Never mind. I don't think I want to know.
IVAN: Well, John, I don't mind telling you! (3/97)
(Roman/John knocks on the door of the bride's
room as Marlena and friends prepare for her 1986 wedding)
ALICE: Oh, I'll take care of this...
(the women in the room make various "uh-oh" comments)
ALICE (she opens the door to talk to him): Roman, do you like where
your nose is?
ROMAN: Oh, Ms. Horton, sorry, I didn't know you were in there
ALICE: Obviously! (and she closes the door)
(the women in the room clap and cheer)
MARLENA: Thank you, Alice
ALICE: It was my pleasure! (August 22, 1986)
GINGER (on meeting Mickey and Julie): Now wait a minute, let me get
this straight, you are uncle and niece?
MICKEY: That's right, my sister Addie was Julie's mother...
GINGER: Who ended up marrying Julie's third husband. Which makes you
your own stepmother!
JULIE: Darling, you had to be there.
MICKEY: I guess you could say our family's really been around the
block more than once.
JULIE: I suppose, and yet we look so normal
MICKEY: Mom and Dad do anyway. I wish I knew their secret.
(1991)
JULIE (when Marlena got teary at Julie's party): Now don't you cry. If you cry we're both going to look like grandmas in Florida. (1991)
(Sami runs into Mike on her way to his
office)
MIKE: You're fired.
SAMI: What did I do?
MIKE: Lately?
LAWRENCE (to Jennifer after her poolside
excursion at his Villa with Jack): "I'd stay away from swimming
pools. It is the leading cause of household accidents, you know."
(Of course, we didn't know at the time that Lawrence supposedly
accidentaly killed his brother in a swimming pool!)
(Laura and Mike are talking about how she is a
prime suspect in the investigation of Kristen's death)
LAURA: It's not my fault that the whole world is better off without
her.
MIKE: Mom, that kind of talk won't help your case.
CALLIOPE (to Anna): The day Tony leaves you will be the day Bo gets a haircut. (1985)
JULIE: "Ever notice that that woman on
"America's Funniest People" kinda looks like Calliope?" (1991)
**Of course Arleen Sorkin (Calliope) was the co-host of
AFP.
(I'm not exactly sure who said this, but it was probably either Jack or John): Stefano and Peter are both dead. And I'm willing to bet they're not any place with wings.
BILLIE: "How in the world could you let Alice
Horton overpower you?"
EARL: "That old lady is pretty spunky, let me tell you."
The original Salem comedienne: Calliope
CALLIOPE:
Roses are Red,
Butterflies are hard to catch,
If I could do it all over again,
I would have gone for Patch.
(Calliope is handing out flyers to promote the
Beat Bar at Shenanigans. She comes across a cranky man sitting at a
table.)
CALLIOPE: Hello, sir! Are you going to come and dig it at our Beat
Bar, dig it?
Man: (crankily) Why don't you go dig yourself a hole and crawl into
it?
CALLIOPE: You know, it's people like you that make establishments
like this have to provide toilet seat covers. In your case, your seat
cover would be square!
ROMAN/JOHN (to Diana in Peru): I'm not leaving her 'til you tell me what you're doing in this lizard pit. (1988)
(Roman and Justin arrive at the Peru hotel
where Diana and Adrienne are. Diana is there to pay off 10 million to
her mother's kidnappers to get her back. Justin and Roman argue about
strategy.)
JUSTIN: If Adrienne's in trouble, I want to be there!
ROMAN: Look, if the girls are in jeopardy, the last thing I want to
do is play Hardy Boys!
(Roman and Justin are checking in at the hotel
and neither of them can understand what the clerk is saying.)
ROMAN: (grumbling) I think I liked Greece better
SERENA: I can't move my legs to walk
(Roman/John picks her up)
SERENA: What are you doing?
ROMAN/JOHN: Just relax and enjoy the ride. (1988)
HOPE: Why did you ask Kiriakis for a job?
BO: I can't make shopping a career, like you! (1986)
(At Marlena's penthouse)
MARLENA: (Laughing)
ROMAN: What is all this?
AUSTIN: Well...UH....it's a tree
ROMAN: That's....UH....very good Austin (Christmas 1997)
(Vivian is hosting a dinner party. Abe and
Roman are wondering how the guests were selected)
ABE: "Why would Vivian invite Stefano?"
ROMAN: "Partner, I'm still trying to figure out why Vivian invited
me!"
JACK (giving a drink to Jenn): Here's a white wine for you Jenn. And what would you like Victor, type A or type O? (1993)
(Moving men are moving out the tables and
chairs out of the Beat Bar because the Beat Bar has no liquor
license. Ethan and Calliope arrive and are confused as to what is
going on. Calliope throws a fit and asks the moving men what they are
doing. One of them calls her dollface. Calliope grows
frustrated.)
CALLIOPE: Dollface? Dollface? Do I look like a dollface? (To
Ethan)
ETHAN: (flustered) Uh, do you mean one of them Cabbage Patch
doll faces or one of them Barbie-type doll faces?
(Diana is growing frustrated with Jack at the
Spectator. They get into a tiff after Jack informs Diana that they
are about to have a meeting with advertisers. Kayla is there as
well.)
DIANA: I am still head of the advertising department and I will let
you know when we have meetings. Now if you'll excuse me, I have an
appointment.
JACK: With Kayla? I've already told her that we're not going to waste
any more newsprint just because some sappy kid gets a pimple!
(1989)
(Nicole
makes an excuse for hanging up the phone on Lucas. She says that she
came out of the shower and dropped her towel)
Lucas: "Well, I wish I'd been there to see you in your towel - or out
of it."
CARRIE (calls to her fiancee): Austin, let me
know when you're ready and I'll start the waffles.
AUSTIN (coming out of the bathroom with his face full of shaving
cream): Ready!
CARRIE (laughing, as he kisses her): Austin, don't! I'd rather have
whipped cream on my waffles than shaving cream.
KAYLA: Don't patronize me
STEVE: I don't even know what the word means! (1986)
(The Emergency center is busy, and Kayla is the
only one there. Patch comes in and offers to help, so while she helps
a patient, he handles the waiting room, full of three or four cranky
people. A man comes in.)
MAN: I'm sick! I need something!
PATCH: Woooooo, dude, it looks like you need a fashion
consultant!!!
(Later, another guy has come in with a swollen
jaw, and Patch is not making any progress with trying to entertain
them. This guy grows impatient.)
MAN: We want the nurse!!!!!
PATCH: Oh? I'll let you in on a little secret, buddy, SO DO I, but we
all have to wait our turn.
KAYLA: I don't understand you! When you're with
Hope, you turn into a gentle and kind person, A HUMAN. Then when
you're with me, you turn into this tough macho guy who doesn't care
about anything! So, which is it? Which guy ARE YOU?|
STEVE: I think it's both, baby. As a matter of fact, I think I'm a
chameleon. Wanna heat me up and watch me change colors?
(Patch rescues Max from drowning in the river,
and along with Frankie, brings him to Kayla at the Emergency Center.
Kayla says she'll fix his cut.)
STEVE: Yeah! She's good at fixing people up!
FRANKIE: Yeah? What's she done for you?
STEVE: (With a smirk on his face) Not as much as I'd like her
to!
(After Werner stabs Steve, trying to locate the
emeralds, Kayla finds him and brings him back to his place. She grows
frustrated.)
KAYLA: Why do things like this keep happening to you? It seems every
time I see you, I have to wrap a bandage around some part of your
body!
STEVE: Wooooo...there are parts you haven't even gotten to yet!
(laughs) (1986)
(After Marlena's memorial service, Steve takes
Kayla back to her loft. They kiss and Kayla wants more, but Steve is
afraid and says he can't stay and he has to go. Kayla follows him to
the door.)
STEVE: I can't stay, baby.
KAYLA: Why not? You stay with other women!
STEVE: You're not "other women", sweetness. There's a difference with
the other women. I can love them and leave them. But, if I love you,
I don't think I'd be able to leave.
(Hope comes looking for Bo down at the docks,
since he works there. Steve is the foreman and comes up behind
her)
HOPE: Do you know where Bo is?
STEVE: (putting a finger up to his mouth, sarcastically) Well, gee.
He didn't leave me a note on the fridge. (1986)
(Outside of Steve's apartment underneath
Shenanigan's, Kayla sees Steve, who is playing his harmonica. She
says something to him and he responds sarcastically)
KAYLA: You know, you have a cruel and saracastic mouth.
STEVE: (flirtatiously) You don't hear me making comments about YOUR
mouth. (1986)
(Before the remarriage of Roman and Marlena,
Kayla makes a stop at the Emergency Center with her dress, among
other things. Seems she is having car problems and is feeling a bit
stressed. Patch comes along and senses that. He wants to help.)
STEVE: (sarcastically) Come on, Sweetness, are you sure there's
nothing I can do to help?
KAYLA: Well, OK. Do you know anything about dead batteries?
STEVE: (with a smirk on his face) I know how to jump them.
KAYLA: (innocently) Then, go jump mine! (1986)
(Bo and Shane have it planned that Britta is
going to get the goods on Victor so they can once and for all put him
away. To keep Steve from messing it up, they've kidnapped him and
brought him to the loft, not telling him what's going on. When they
finally do, Bo leaves.)
BO: Will you be OK with Patch here?
HOPE: I can handle it.
STEVE: Yeah, Hope can handle me ANYTIME. (laughing) (1986)
(Hope confronts Steve at Shenanigans, after
only knowing him for a couple days. Steve obviously thinks Hope is
pretty hot. She wants to talk about what happened in Stockholm and
what happened with Steve and Bo.)
STEVE: Well, if it isn't the sexiest cop in Salem! You know that
outfit is a real-turn on. Do you have your handcuffs, too?
HOPE: I have them, Patch, but I don't want to use them. Just tell me
what happened with you and Bo.
STEVE: Wow, with that outfit and the handcuffs, we could have
ourselves a real good time! (1985)
Only
Mimi
MIMI: What if i told you that i could prove to
those two that their whole breakup was manupulated; that Shaun was
brainwashed into thinking that he lost Belle to his best friend?
REX: Then i'd say you've been watching too much daytime tv. Stuff
like that only happens on... what's that show called?? Passions? This
is real life Meems, not some Soap Opera!
MIMI: Rex, can you do me a favor?
REX: What; throw Jan out the fire escape??
STAN: Excuse me. I couldn't help overhearing;
your getting married?
MIMI: uh... yes.. and my 6 foot 2 fiance will be back any minute.
Franco was tells Jill that she has to leave town, but she makes Franco promise to take her cat back to her mother's. Franco says, "Yes Jill, I promise I will take your little kitty cat back to your mother's." (1996)
Vivian is standing at the door and John says to her that he's too tired to invite her in. Vivian pushes her way in to the house and begins to talk about Kristen's baby, and leans over to touch her stomach. Kristen lets out a big shriek and John says to Vivian something like "Vivian, how dare you grope Kristen like that. Even she won't let me touch her stomach. She's been so sensitive since the baby almost miscarried." And Vivian replies "And don't you find that a little peculiar."
Just after Kate was "killed" in the plane crash, Ivan took some coffee to Vivian's room. It was in the same silver coffee pot the she had placed the sleeping pills in. She said something like, "Ivan, get that away from me! That's like showing Lady Macbeth the bloody knife!"
During the Salem High graduation in 2002, there is a very humorous scene when Shawn goes up to the stage to receive his diploma. Hope, in the audience, gets out her camcorder and begins to laugh as she is "filming" Shawn on the stage. Bo looks up and gives Hope a disgusted look - she has forgotten to take the lens cap off!
Duh!
Roman to Bo and Hope: "Until J.T. is found, he is still missing" (May 23, 2001)
Thanks to Keelie for her idea to start this page and providing me with many of these quotes. Additional thanks to: Carrie, Carlos, Jarrett, Ashley Tucker, Ken, Vanessa, Amanda, Megan F, Amy Cotton, Tweety, Mike McGee, Erica Bueno, SunnyCait, McGuire, JJS, Brad Gardner, Patdebrat, Sarah, TMTSoapop, Stephanie Allison, Carol Arrance, Jared and Sara, Bree, Sean Johnson, Michelle, RGilles, Sarah Millar, mgndj, BRADYGRL98, TMTSoapop, Brad Gardner, Stacy Krugman, Stephanie Allison, Bree, Kate Campbell, Kyle
If you can add quotes to this page, please send them to me at: beth@partyline.net Please make sure they are exact quotes taken from an episode.